How to Help a Friend Experiencing Loss

Up until the last few years, I’d bumbled my way through life never really experiencing a significant loss, which may sound like an extremely weird brag but, honestly, left me ill-equipped to help or even understand friends who had. But after my dad died, I realized how terrible we are as a society as acknowledging and understanding mourning. In the Western world, talking about death is still taboo, and we certainly don’t celebrate aging, which makes it very challenging for us to know the right way to support those who are grieving. If you are worried about how to help a loved one going through a tough time, below is a quick guide on simple ways to offer compassion.

Don’t Avoid Them

This one seems pretty obvious but so many of us avoid situations where we feel awkward or inadequate. When a friend suffers a loss, whether it be a miscarriage, death in the family, or passing of a beloved pet, it can be difficult to know how to help them. Your heart breaks for them, but you don’t know what is appropriate to say or do. Family Therapist Emily Pardy says, “Too often, people end up not saying anything at all because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Don’t underestimate the power of a peaceful presence. If you’re close to this person, show up and just be there with them.”

Be Proactive

In our society, it often falls on the bereaved to ask for help or comfort others. You can alleviate this for your friend by simply being there and reaching out to them instead. For some of us, it can feel intrusive to make multiple offers of help but don’t be shy – and don’t wait for them to ask for help or ask that they reach out to you if they need something; assume they do. Emily explains,  “Grieving is exhausting, and chances are your friend won’t have the capacity to think about her needs at that time. Bring food, fold her laundry, drop off a care package, email them a gift card, and let them know your shoulder is always available to cry on.”

Let Them Share

Let’s normalize grieving, and normalize speaking about suffering – it’s all part of the human experience! When we practice talking about these difficult topics openly, it helps people feel less alone in their pain. If someone has passed away, don’t be afraid to respectfully use the person’s name when asking how they’re doing. Emily says, “People often think they will make their loved one feel even sadder if they bring up the topic, but truly the opposite is true.” Most people actually find it therapeutic to reflect on a loved one’s life,  and they deserve to feel validated and that it’s okay to share regardless of how uncomfortable it may be. For me personally, I felt loved and seen when people acknowledged my situation rather than a fresh wave of grief.

Avoid Pointing Out “The Positives”

Avoid trying to find any silver linings. Intuitively we all want to comfort our friends and somehow fix the source of their sadness, but looking for the bright side can feel minimizing and insensitive to those that are grieving. Emily suggests to “Avoid saying things that invalidate their grief, such as pointing out the silver lining or trying to get them to see anything positive.”  So try to avoid comforting them by saying “at least”, “but” or “on the bright side”. You would be surprised how many people reach for this in an attempt to be kind.  Be with them, don’t focus on having a certain outcome such as making them feel happy and while it can feel unhelpful to simply be sad alongside a friend. Emily says, “that is exactly what they needs – a safe person to grieve with.”