Are You Unknowingly Activating Your Child's Nervous System?

We all want the best for our children although sometimes we can feel we are struggling when it comes to managing their challenging behaviors like anxiety or hyper-activity. Underneath these behaviors is always unresolved stress. We are all vulnerable to unregulated stress and children even more so, as it impacts early brain development and can compromise the functioning of the nervous and immune systems. 

So how can we minimize stress, create more harmonious relationships with our children and help them regulate their emotions? In my years as a psychotherapist and early childhood educator, I’ve found positive change comes from a collaborative approach and mindset. Here, we work with our children, remembering we are on the same team, modeling and guiding them through healthy ways to process and release strong emotions.  With a well-informed approach you can create calm and build resilience in your child's nervous system, give them the building blocks for a healthy brain, and support a healthy and harmonious family unit. 

Using these strategies you will raise children who are collaborative, and resilient, know what their needs are and how to express them, can set boundaries and honor their own and others, feel that their voice is important and they are loved, trust themselves, take self-responsibility,  know how to move through difficult emotions and have secure attachments.  Imagine a world full of people who have embodied these qualities and skills. Pwooah!  That's the world we can create one interaction at a time. 

Take your time to explore these strategies, playing with one at a time, and watch your family go from strength to strength. 

Avoid guilt, shame & blame

First things first, let's be mindful of how we use guilt, shame, and blame.  Sometimes this can be very subtle. These are all control tactics. In the family system (or in any system, really) we want to cultivate understanding and collaboration, not control. Shame can show up as: “should’s”, name-calling (“naughty girl”, “know it all”), or comparison (your brother doesn’t give me grief, boys your age don’t act like this).

Create structure & predictability.

Kids thrive when they know what to expect, so try communicating the timing of things to them. Give them heads-up with 10 and 5 minute warnings before an activity ends or begins. Let them know in advance the flow of the day. When we know what’s going on and are included in planning this helps to calm the nervous system. You may like to buy and use sand timers as a fun visual aid for children. 

Empower their sense of self-agency

Give children limited options that funnel them toward your desired outcome while still giving them choice. It's all about empowering them with a sense of agency. For instance, instead of saying, "Do the dishes now!" you can say, "Do you want to do the dishes now or in 10 minutes after we finish playing this game?" Make clear requests that have a time frame.

Keep feedback specific

Make clear observations and make direct requests rather than free-floating complaints and avoid using absolutes like “always” or “never” (absolutes). Keep your observations about a specific event otherwise, you risk overwhelming the child or putting them into defence mood.

Model self-responsibility & create an environment where self-responsibility is a safe option.

Acknowledge and take responsibility for your own behavior without making excuses and justifications. "Hey, when you were running around like a little speedster, I got super frustrated and ended up yelling. I'm sorry, that wasn't okay”. Beyond this, you can empower them by creating an environment where self-responsibility is encouraged. When your kiddo opens up about their feelings or actions, show them some love and appreciation. Say things like, “Thank you for telling me how you feel” “Thank you for telling me what you did, that took courage, to make amends you need to…” or “I noticed you did this (specific negative behavior), I imagine you were feeling… (wait for their response)… it’s important you don’t do that because it (has this specific negative impact), next time can you (give them specific solutions).”

Speak to the behavior, not the child’s character.

Don’t teach them to have negative beliefs about who they are. Teach them to be responsible for specific behavior and understand the impact it has on others and themselves. Remember, we're here to guide them, not judge them.

Help the child feel seen, heard, and accepted by guessing their feelings and needs.

You can say “Are you feeling… do you need?” Keep guessing until they say you got it right. If a child “needs attention” look for the deeper need that isn’t being addressed. It could be as simple as reassurance that they are loved and safe. 

Tend to your own feelings and needs.

Schedule in pockets of time where you can tend to yourself. "I'm going to take 5 minutes and I don't want to be interrupted". Use sand timers for your kids and put on a timer for you so can fully commit to giving yourself the time you need. It's okay to say no and create space for yourself. Show children that everyone in the family unit is important not just them and not just you. 

Set clear boundaries with your children and do not regularly re-neg on them.

When we give in or renegotiate boundaries all the time, it just confuses them. So hold those limits. Example: “You can use the iPad between 4 and 5pm every day that’s it.” Be strong within yourself when your children try to negotiate. Part of healthy parenting is setting clear and firm limits. Learn to be with the discomfort of setting boundaries. Even if they protest even more at the beginning know they will soon adjust and learn there is no point in testing you. If you keep giving in, they won’t stop giving up. Teach them to honor others’ boundaries by firmly holding the boundaries you set. Children will get upset, this is natural when we don’t get what we want. Acknowledge their feelings, without changing your stance. Allow them to move through the discomfort of not getting what they want. Learning to respect boundaries is an important life lesson.

Do not take their behavior personally & watch for your own unrealistic expectations.

Keep in mind that our kiddos' brains are still developing, and they rely on us to help them regulate their emotions. It's a crucial part of our parenting role. So, let's be patient and understanding as they learn how to navigate their feelings. We're their emotional guides, after all.

Find healthy ways to release stress and frustration

When you are highly stressed, your children are stressed, full stop. Learn nervous system regulation tools and find ways of tending to your own wellbeing like yoga, surfing, seeing a therapist etc. When you are triggered use it as an opportunity to train your emotional body to stay neutral. Take three deep breaths and say, "I need a moment to center myself." Feel your feet on the ground and visualize a bright light radiating up your spine. This centering technique helps you remain calm and contained in stressful situations and you will greatly build your own character and resilience. This is not about suppressing but about containing and finding your own space to process your emotions. It is not the child’s role to help you process your emotions, that is your job. Have embodiment strategies for releasing any anger, when you need to release frustration, find a space away from your child and let it out. Get creative with your own embodiment strategies. Maybe picture the triggering event in your mind and wring a towel while growling like a fierce lion. Once you’ve collected yourself, teach your kiddos those strategies too, they'll learn to handle their emotions in a healthy way.

Create house rules together

Set aside some time to create some house rules together on an A3 sheet that everyone (including adults) abides by. Discuss together why these rules are important. Label it something like “How we care for each other and our home”. Choose the top 9 rules that resonate with you and your family as a team. Avoid making it too long or you won’t remember). It could include things like “No yelling," "No name-calling," or "We make requests, not complaints." Make it personal and meaningful. By involving everyone, you foster a sense of ownership and teamwork.

Please don’t feel disheartened if reading this article has made you feel like you have stuff to work on. We all do! Be patient and gentle with yourself. Keep practicing and watch you and your children grow in resilience and love together.